4 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids are Being Difficult

I've said it before-- kids can be unpredictable. Despite your best efforts as a father, there will be times your child makes wrong choices or deliberately chooses to act out against your wishes. Testing boundaries and challenging authority is a natural part of the growing-up process. How you react in these situations can mean the difference between a good day and a bad day for you and your kids.

photo: Bethany King / flickr (cc)

Some days are better than others.

Here are four simple tips for keeping your cool when kids are being difficult:

1. Plan for the Future

I know this one doesn't really help when you're in the middle of a bad situation, but adopting this as a core parenting philosophy will help avoid these situations in the future. When trouble occurs, use the opportunity to think about solutions so this same situation doesn't happen again. When a heated situation has passed, talk to your child about what each of you could do next time. Be careful about making rash decisions, but don't be afraid of thinking outside the box.

photo: de Meyer (public domain)

You don't need a crystal ball to make plans for the future.

Dad Tip: Make decisions that improve your family dynamic. When our television downstairs became the center of of daily arguments, I starting thinking about whether a television was truly necessary in that location, especially considering its proximity to the dining room and homework spaces. Removing the television from the common area has resulted in less conflict and a happier family.

A little preparation can go a long way. When you plan ahead, you might find that you can completely avoid situations that would otherwise ruin the day for you and your kids. Parents quickly learn while kids are potty training that it's a good idea to carry extra clothes and wet wipes in case of an accident. It's good to keep this mentality as kids get older. For instance, you can remind younger kids to use the bathroom before getting in the car, or whenever one is readily accessible, to avoid potty-panic in the future.

2. Don't Escalate a Bad Situation

When your son or daughter is angry and refuses to do what you ask of them, don't pile on a never-ending list of additional punishments as a way of getting their compliance, and never resort to threatening violence against your child. If your child is not responding after the first or second threat of punishment, they're probably not going to respond when you add more. It's time to reconsider your methods.

photo: Tim Blair / flickr

It's not always easy to stay calm when the tantrum starts.

When in a heated situation, keep control of your emotions and look for a way to remove your child and yourself from the situation before making a bad situation even worse. My family doesn't use timeouts as punishment, but we do practice positive timeouts to take a break from each other when things are escalating too far in a negative direction. We use the child's age as a guideline for the number of minutes. Usually--but not always--everyone has calmed down after a short break and we can try to work things out together at that time.

I recommend reading Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline blog post about utilizing positive timeouts with your children.

3. Don't Be a Helicopter Parent

Being a good parent doesn't require reacting to everything your child does. Kids are going to make mistakes; they don't have the same years of life experience we do. Staying involved in your child's life is a good thing, but it's not a parent's job to hover around like a helicopter waiting to catch them misbehaving. Sometimes kids need to make mistakes on their own so they can learn from them.

photo credit: Redningshelikopteret Sea King via photopin (license)

Huh? How does a helicopter become a parent?

I'm a firm believer that it's okay to let little things slide, especially when children are interacting with other children. There are times and places when questionable behavior that occurs outside the home can be more appropriately addressed later. For more advice on the topic, see Parenting.com's article on how to get a grip and stop helicopter parenting your children.

4. Remember You Love Them

Don't ever forget this!

photo: Tambako / flickr (cc)

Make sure they know you love them no matter what!

Parenting can be extremely rewarding, but you must realize that bad days are going to happen and be prepared to deal with it. When you plan ahead, let things slide and refuse to escalate a bad situation, you'll be on your way to a happier home life.

Next week I'll be talking about six ways you can let your children know you love them. Be sure to bookmark Fathering 101 or subscribe by email so you never miss an update.

~ Ronald