Letting your children know you love them is an essential part of being a parent. On his blog, Joshua Becker, author of the book Simplify and Clutterfree with Kids, says there are many reasons for telling your child you love them. Children who know they are loved are better adjusted, both emotionally and socially. There’s even evidence that kids who have parents that tell them they are loved do better in school than kids who don’t hear it from their parents.
Today I’m talking about six easy ways to tell your child you love them:
1. Have a symbol (like a hand gesture)
Develop a hand gesture or movement that means “I love you” to you and your kids. It can be as simple as a swipe of your eyebrow, tapping your shoulder, or any type of hand gesture.
My kids and I use the sign-language sign for “I love you.” It looks like this:
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photo source: gfpeck / flickr
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When either of you do the gesture, the other person should return it in kind. We use the gesture at bedtime and when someone is leaving for school or going anywhere away from home. It’s quick and easy to flash a hand signal, and enables you to say “I love you” at times when words can’t be heard or said out loud.
2. Create a secret code
Create a secret code between you and your children that means “I love you.” It can be a symbol, a number, a word, or anything you decide fits your family. I recommend picking something that can be typed on a keyboard so you can use it in text messages.
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| source: fathering101 |
Our family’s secret code is 143. The origin of this code goes way back to a time before cell phones, when people had pagers that could only receive numeric messages. Putting “143” in a pager message meant “I love you” because of the number of letters in each word. These days it's easy for me or my kids to put “143” in a message, email, or note as a way to "secretly" say “I love you" to each other.
3. Write notes to your kids
Lunchtime notes are the perfect opportunity to be a parent. A child may not eat their sandwich, but they’ll read the note dad or mom put in their lunch box. My son Chase has saved every note his mom or I have ever put in his lunch box.
I know some of you are saying you're too busy, and that this will take too long to do every day. Nonsense. You can write notes in advance. Consider Alex Sheen, who penned 826 notes in advance for his daughter to have for the rest of her school days, after finding out he had cancer. The notes mean a lot to his daughter, and Alex will continue to be a part of her life if illness takes his life.
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Alex Sheen / becauseisaidiwould.com/826notes
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You can say whatever you want to say in a lunch note: a cheesy dad joke, an interesting fact, or maybe a few encouraging words to remind your child that you love them and are thinking of them. You don’t have to go all out (Though some dads do.) A handwritten note on a Post-It or napkin is perfectly fine--but if you want to get creative, go for it. Pinterest has lots of ideas that can get you started.
4. Tell them “good night”
Start a bedtime routine including anything you and your children decide on--bedtime stories, prayer, hugs, a song, etc. but do make sure it’s something you can handle doing on a regular basis. At the end of it all, make sure you tell them “good night” and that you love them.
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| photo: Lotus Carroll / flickr |
When all three of my children were young, their mother would sing them the same song every night ("Baby Mine”) just before saying “good night” and “I love you,” then turning out the lights. The singing routine started when they were just infants (when she’d hold them in a rocking chair,) and continued until they didn’t want to hear it anymore. But for several years, hearing their mom sing the song to them at the end of the day would calm them down and let them know it’s time to go to sleep.
My routine these days is simple. When my younger children are ready for bed, I turn out the lights. Then I make sure they’re tucked comfortably into bed, then give the I-love-you hand sign (mentioned in #1,) and say “good night” and “I love you” before leaving the room. Usually they say it back, but that’s not important. As kids get older and become teens they may lose the desire to keep up these routines, but definitely do it for as long as you can.
5. Show them you love them every day
As a father, you know you love your children, but how is your child going to know it unless you show them? Listen to them; believe in them; respect their feelings; don't be too big to apologize when you mess up; take an interest in their interests; give them some of your time; play games with them; and above all, be happy to see them. Your actions will leave them no doubt that you love them.
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| photo: Hamama Harib / flickr |
Want more ways to show your kids you love them? Read mom-blogger Steph's “I’m still learning!” blog for 20 ways to show your kids you love them (without saying the words.)
6. Just say the words
And after you've done all that, you still need to say the words “I love you.” I know sometimes it feels funny to say the words out loud. But get over it. Just say it, even if your kids don’t say it back, they still need to hear it from their mom and dad.
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| photo: mrdays / flickr (cc) |
Yes, Dads. You'd better not be leaving it up to mom to let your children know they are loved. You need to do it also. Yes, really! You should have started saying it to them the day they were born, but even if you've never told your kids you love them, it’s never too late to start. Older kids, teens, and grown-ups have feelings too! Just start doing it today and never stop.
Credit for inspiring this post goes to Ben, Chase, and Gracelyn’s mom, Rachel, who was an amazing example of how a parent can show her children they are loved. She started the “I love you” hand gesture, the lunchbox notes, and bedtime routines for our family that I talk about in this post. She used the 143 code with me when we were dating all those years ago.
Rachel had no problem saying “I love you” to those she loved, and she insisted on hearing it back (meaning our whole family got lots of practice saying it.) After she passed away, I continued these traditions in her memory at the request of my children. Please feel free to borrow any of these ideas to use in your family.
Until next week, happy fathering! (And mothering too!)
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